Hi There.

Valentines Day. A day of love. Also a day of murder. Horrible and Brutal murder. But lets for get about that bit shall we?

For Women, it’s a great day. For Men…oh….Jesus…..

Lets just say it’s a hard day for Men… Even harder when you’re a single man.

These single men. Often referred to as Losers, are after one thing, a girlfriend.

A nice, Christian girl to impress the family, and preferably one that’s not to sexually active. These guys aren’t Casanovas you know..

So it comes to no surprise that I get asked this question a lot :

“How do I get a nice Christian girlfriend?..but one that’s not too weird..?”

Well It’d take the hands of several deformed 4 arm freaks from Chernobyl to count the number of times I’ve been asked that question…

In short, I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you what’s worked for me - God…has it worked for me… But will it work for you? Probably not. You see I’m quite dashing, I’m funny, and I can pretend to listen and act sympathetic. You’re just you…. Hairy, smelly, boring you.

But that got me thinking, Jimmy, I asked myself, there are countless men worldwide who aren’t you. Billions. A large portion of that would be Chinese…Surely there’s something you can do to guide these unfortunates? So I give you the ‘James Szabo Guide to getting a nice Christian ‘friend’…(who’s not weird or ugly)”

Before I get into this, you’ll notice ive replaced girlfriend with “friend”…. Got to start slow guys, it might come across as pushy…or worse still stalkerish..

What you need:

-A bible. Or at least some knowledge of some of the chapters…. It’s a big book… There is the word “Breasts” in it….That’s the only highlight im afraid..

-Some sort of sad story. A dead pet or relative is good. Maybe even just a general sad story. Google one…

-Animal tranquilizer. For when you want to take your ‘friendship’ to the next level..
-A good criminal lawyer. See above.

-PG Jokes. They get all uptight about swear words from some reason….. Oh and no religious jokes.. they don’t like them either… For example this joke “ Jesus walked into the holiday inn with some nails and a hammer and asked if they could put him up for the night”.. That joke is a no no..funny as hell, but a no no.

-Full body wax. No one wants to be friends with a Magilla Gorilla look-a-like..

Some Do’s

-Say lots of nice, complimentary things. Chicks dig that.

-Go to Christian quiz nights/concerts…. Excruciating, but they do give brownie points…(but don’t make fun of them….not even on the internet… Trust me..)

-Meet someone from their family. Come off as nice. You know these religious types. They remember your name…… They are nice like that…

-Do, do, do,de,da,da,da – Sting and the Police

Some Don’ts

-Don’t blaspheme. For Christ’s sake don’t..

-Don’t argue about evolution. Not even if you have a funny story about God shaving all the apes…. They won’t see the funny side..

-Don’t swear excessively around them. The phrase “F*ck that C*nt sh*ts me…” is one that should never be uttered..

-Don't ever… Repeat ever take your best mate Robbos Advice on love messages….. Although funny and clever , the text “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, this sms costs me money and so do you!” will not be well received..

-Don’t stand so close to me – Sting and the Police

With this in hand you are now ready to take it Phase 2…. “Courting”

This process can take anywhere from 1 day, to 3 years, depending on the level of subtlety used and depending on if the girl is in a pre-existing relationship.. If there aint no rock, it aint concrete lads..

Now comes Valentines Day (if you have started this on valentines day, you only have around 18 hours….for Maximum effect refer to the use of Animal Tranquillizers, See Above)

Take her to dinner. Have a drink. Go for a walk. Procreate in nearby Shrubs. Give standard gift of affection i.e Roses, Chocolates, Jewelllery, Novelty Internet T-shirts (allow for 2-4 weeks of delivery)

Now Valentines Day is over. Here you have a few choices, you can carry on seeing her, or you can dump her. For the latter refer to the “Some Don’ts” Section Above.

Repeat Entire Process every 12 months.

With this knowledge I hope you are able to “snag” one of the members of the fairer sex known as women. It’s an age old battle….

Yours truly,
James Anthony Szabo. ( Former International Playboy and General Raconteur)

Give a lasting Gift...